Tuesday, November 30, 2004

TUE, 24 Sept 2002


Gazing with my third eye into my blue crystal ball, I saw you on the second day of Fall at your apartment complex approaching your mailbox. Your heart skipped as you fumbled for the key to open it: junk mail, a bill, more junk mail, another pesky bill. You double-checked the stack: no letter from me. After reaching your hand in and feeling around the walls of the box one last time, you looked behind your back, locked the box up, and pursed your lips wondering—with empty hands—what to make of me now…

Was I close? Or is my crystal ball cracked, too? Whether I saw you accurately or not, it leads me to this business of expectation.

Though Fall officially started on Monday, there was no perceptible change in the air. The temperature didn’t drop abruptly, nor did the leaves blaze and suddenly brown overnight. We all know these changes in Nature are coming inevitably; yet we cannot force them to come; they will only come within their own time. So, my question is, after one week of separation, if we mightn’t already be setting ourselves up for disappointment by putting an expectation, or a timeline, on things which may be beyond our control.

For instance: On Sunday, I called you fully expecting that you’d received the Top 25 letter, and that we’d have a long, constructive conversation discussing it. But, you didn’t receive it. As a result, I was disappointed.

On Tuesday, I suspect that you expected you’d receive another letter from me. I know you didn’t because it was returned, and I know that you were—even if only slightly—disappointed. These are only small instances. What I’d like to ensure is that we are both allowing ourselves to be open to the universe and open to whatever lessons we are to learn from this period of transition.

It is my hope that we will see each other again and revert to 1999’s winter bliss. But, we must both also realize that we are not the same people now as we were then; and, our feelings are more complex than they were then. So, each night I center my spirit—hopefully in a way that I will be ready to accept whatever may come.

After I reread the Top 25 letter (which actually was only 17), I realized there were a number of pivotal moments which I left off of the list. I’ve always been one to tie up loose ends; so, normally this would bother me. But, in this case, I’m actually glad I wasn’t able to finish the list because it will give us plenty to talk about this Sunday.

Today’s letter is quick because my day is nearly done. But, I’m afraid I’ve come across somber. I don’t mean to be so. I’ll try to sing a lighter tune tomorrow.


P.S. Yesterday, I passed a church with open doors & thought
of you.

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