Tuesday, June 29, 2004

ASK QUEEN JAMES: a Love Advice Column

Dear Queen James,

My 7-year on-again/off-again relationship with my college sweetheart felt like it was going nowhere. A girlfriend suggested I write out a "Happy List" to see where I really stood. At first I thought her idea was selfish and wack. But after getting tired of lookin at the same tired scenery, I decided to indulge and give it a try.

Five pages later, my "Happy List" revealed what I'd been afraid to admit all along was true: That my long-term relationship with my pothead college sweetheart was not-so-happy.

So, I broke it off.

With him deleted, just one month later, as I waited for the bus with no umbrella in the rain, my knight in shining armor pulled up right next to me in an E-class Mercedes Benz!

He's everything I asked for and more - handsome, smart, ambitious, and churchgoing. He opens doors for me and knows how to order wines. He's taken me yachting on the Hudson, showers me with gifts. And when we go out on the town, he even dresses in suits! He's just lacking one thing:

I need my p*ssy popped!

I'm 25 and he's 43. When he visits me on the weekends, he only brings one condom. On top of that, we usually don't even use it. He just wants me to j*rk him off!

And on top of that, if and when we finally do do it... Let me just say this. If he makes me do it in the missionary position just one more time, I am going to scuh-reeeeam!

I'm not used to this. My ex used to bend my legs into knots, give me carpetburn, and make me speak in tongues. My current boyfriend is Christian, and I do enjoy going with him to church. But how do I tell him, without crushing his ego, that I want off of the Missionary Board!

Signed,
Need my P*ssy Popped! in Poughkeepsie


Dear Need my P*ssy Popped,

Let me get this straight. Yr broke-ass wz standing at the bus stop with no umbrella in the rain, okay. Then the man of your dreams just randomly pulls up to you on the curb & offers yr cain't-even-afford-an-umbrella-ass a ride in his E-class Mercedes Benz.

Hmmm... soundz oddly like the plot from some 80's movie... Pretty Woman. Is you a hooker?

Seriously though, I understand yr pain. Or rather, yr lack of pain. Which is the problem. But don't fret, honey, Queen James has a solution!

According to my personal trainer, j*rking a man off might qualify as a forearm toning exercise, but it is not a sexual act. And bein all pinned down in the missionary position is not so pleasurable either. As a woman approaching her sexual peak, you gotta have room to work it out!

But when a 40-yr old man hits the sack (trust me, I've had a few), the first P he thinks about hitting is more likely to be Pillow than P*ssy.

Your problem, honey, is not with your 40-yr old boyfriend. It's you. Get rid of yr 19th century scruples and use yr 21st century resources! You already got a man who can make yr p*ssy pop. Your ex!

Rule #41 in the Queen James Handbook: Don't trade in a good car if you can afford to make two payments!

Use Mr. Moneybags for all his culture and gifts, and call yr ex when you need that ghetto pop! And trust, no twenty-something yr old man will turn down free p*ssy. You don't have a problem. You, my darling, have the best of both worlds.

In the meantime, if Mr. Moneybags needs assistance coming out of his sexual shell, tell him Queen James is available for house calls!


2 comments:

BLUE said...

i have not laughed this hard in a long time! it was the right words at the right time. light! ~BLUE (who can't afford two car payments)

Collin said...

Lordamercy...Cherryl told me I would laugh my ass off, and I certainly did. Ayo, your blog is fantastic. Glad she told me about it.