Crying Black: An Open Letter to Michael

DEAR MR. JACKSON,

IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO OUR ATTENTION - that you, Michael Joseph Jackson, hereafter referred to as YOU/YOUR, have issued a petition to have YOUR Black Card reinstated for the explicit and sole purpose of establishing grounds of a conspiracy against YOU on the basis of YOUR membership in our organization, Black People of America, Inc. - specifically aligning your recent plight with that of such Black luminaries as Muhammed Ali and Nelson Mandela. In essence, you are, what we here like to commonly refer to as, "crying Black."

But according to our records, YOU breached organizational protocol in the 1990's when YOU de-kinked your hair, whittled off YOUR chin, pulverized YOUR nose, and bleached YOUR skin beyond human recognition in every effort to destroy the slightest physical trace of the Motherland on YOUR person, and then - and then {INSERT NECKROLL HERE} exited our organization without so much a farewell letter - without so much as even a goodbye.

We wept.

But We, Black People of America, Incorporated, are - if nothing else - forgiving. We have excellent news! We have a special place for people just like you.

According to our most recent by-laws, for those exiting our organization without completing an exit interview - YOU may receive a temporary "cry Black" pass which may be used once, and only once, but which will expire on Juneteenth. But first, you must complete the following BACK-TO-BLACKNESS interview honestly and to the best of your ability:


1. Have you looked in a mirror lately?

____________________________

2. What the Hell were you thinking?

_____________________________

3. Again, what the Hell were you thinking?

___________________________

4. Seriously, what was it like being White?

______________________________

5. More importantly, what does it feel like being White and then having your Whiteness taken away? (Feel free to use all of the whitespace you need. Use extra sheets if necessary.)

___________________________________________

6) In hindsight, was being Black the first time really that terrible?

___________________________________________

And as a bonus question, to receive a 2-month supply of WIC vouchers:

7) In 50 words or less, why did you it ?
(Feel free to substitute 'it' with whatever is most uncomfortable for you to talk about.)

_____________________________________________

Once you have completed this interview, we require that you hand-deliver it to the address below:

Black People of America, Inc.
ATTN: Keisha Hightower, Deputy Mother of All Black People
123 East Compton Blvd
Compton, California 9022_

(Go around to the back because the frontdoor is broke.)

Normally, we would process your request in 2 to 4 weeks as the waiting list to 'cry Black' is very long, but because you are a celebrity we will express-process your order in 2 to 4 days. If this is not soon enough for your current needs, you may want to try these people to see if they may carry an extra 'Cry Black' pass.

All the best,



Black People of America