Why I Wa$ Away from My De$k When Y_u Called Thi$ Morning

THE RADIO VERSION:

__a__a, sorry I missed your call. Right now I'm calling you from my cell phone, but I'll try you back in about 10 minutes - soon as I get back to the office.

THE MIXTAPE VERSION (FO DA SKREET!):

Yesterday afternoon, I wrote a friend a check for 14 dollars. Yeah, so what's the problem?, you may ask. The problem is... there's only 9 dollars and 32 cents in my account! I should probably mention that this friend is a co-worker who works in my department. Which means if I write him a bounced check - a F-O-U-R-T-E-E-N-D-O-L-L-A-R bounced check - I will never live it down. Which is to say, I had to sneak out from work this morning and dash my a$$ to the bank for a cash advance to cover it.

QUESTION: What's the minimum amount you can request for a credit card cash advance from a bank teller and not have her write you off as hopelessly-poor-to-the-10th-power?

ANSWER: Obviously not $20.

I was too embarrassed to go to my branch within walking distance and face the tellers who I've become chummy with and charmed for favors; it would ruin my impeccable reputation! So I drove two exits to the next nearest branch where I could be anonymous.

Naturally, the teller I get would be in training. Which means now there's potential for double trouble - that is, not one, but two strangers all up in my broke-a$$ bizna$$.

I managed to avert all six of their eyes for most of the five-minute transaction, but the whole time I could feel the supervising teller's lukewarm lips smiling at me. So, I casually glanced toward the ceiling... because I could feel the curtain falling.

"You know," the teller said smugly. "You're being charged five dollars to get this twenty."

"And you'll charge me quite a bit more if I don't deposit it." I bounced a constipated smile back.

He looked at me quizically; then, down at his monitor. Then, a long sour, "Ohhhhhhhhhh...," as he read my account balance.

...

So it's 90-plus degrees and, to conserve gas, my broke-a$$ is now riding with the windows down as far as they can mechanically go. I'm calling you from the company cell phone, which I only have this week because I'm on call.

And even if I could afford my own cell phone, I love you and all, but I wouldn't be calling you right now because I'd be using daytime minutes.

I'll ring you back when I'm back at my cubicle.