UPCOMING PERFORMANCE: Thursday, April 28, 7:00 p.m.

THIS THURSDAY, APRIL 28, at 7:00 P.M., I'll be featured at the Turner South - My South Speaks competition for teens at Oglethorpe University's Conant Performing Arts Center - along with Avainti Dyer and Kodac Harrison.

I'll be performing an oldie-but-goodie, "Home," around 9:00 p.m. to close the show.

Pick-Up at the Post Office, or Some Doors Are Better Left

LAST THURSDAY AT THE GLENRIDGE POST OFFICE, I stood 7th-or-so in line waiting for an important package. The package would be my second correspondence packet from Anne Waldman, my mentor in the NEC MFA in Poetry Program this semester. This month's packet: The Booklength Poem. I was in line because the Priority Mail envelope - though decidedly not booklength - would have been too large to fit in my matchbox-sized P.O. Box.

But the 1st packet's size didn't stop the Post Office from stuffing it into my box after it disappeared for no less than nine days in its bureaucratic blizzard of boxes, postcards, and envelopes. Countless phone calls -"Are you sure you didn't pick it up, sir? We show it was received" and "It must be here somewhere. What was your name again?" - and numerous in-person visits put me on a not-too-friendly first-face basis with the entire Glenridge staff.

But that's another story. Today, I was here, 7th in line, to pick up my packet.

As I waited, noticing the new Marian Anderson stamp and contemplating naughty uses for bubblewrap, she tapped me on the shoulder.

"Are you here to pick up a package?"

Did I make that much of a scene last month that they're sending agents out to intercept me before I reach the counter?

It took me a second to emerge from my bubblewrap fantasy and realize that the postal clerk had not in fact singled me out, but instead was just making her way down the line.

"Yes, actually I am picking up a package." I handed her my driver's license.

"M_rv_n? M_rv_n H__th?" the young woman stammered with moon-sized eyes, as if she had discovered a lost star. Though I have developed a little notoriety as a writer, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, famous. It was a little unnerving.

"Yes?" I said.

"You don't remember me?"

Oh no.

In truth, I had no idea who the woman was. Some drunken fling? If that was the case and I said I didn't know her, I was one syllable away from getting slapped.

Cain't a brother just pick up a package in peace?

Before I could say no:

"_e_ia... I'm _e_ia __llia__s' sister. You don't remember me?"

I scanned the database which, here on the other side of 30, is getting muddier and muddier by the day.

First, _e_ia __llia__:

Your Junior Prom date.

Next, her sister:

Did _e_ia have a baby sister? Who was this woman claiming to know your high school prom date? Was she a stalker?

I decided to go along for the ride.

"Oh, now I remember," I lied.

"I can't believe it's you. Don't just stand there. Gimme a hug!"

Before I knew it, her arms were around me.

"How's your brother doing?"

Ah, now it finally clicked. Though I couldn't recall her name, I now remembered that this woman had a HUGE crush on my baby brother. They were in the same grade. Which meant the last time I saw her, she would have been 11!

And she had the nerve to ask if I remembered her...

"Oh, he's doing well. He an engineer and lives in ____ia."

"My sister's not gonna believe I saw you." She beamed. "Let me go get your package." She scurried off.

Whew!

The clerk returned with my package: Anne Waldman. I couldn't wait to tear into it.


"Well, it was good seeing you," I said. "How's your sister doing?"

"Oh, she works in Ohio for ___or & _a__le. She's doing good. I'll tell her you asked about her. I can't wait to tell her I saw you."

Then came the awkward moment. Would I keep in touch? I looked beyond the swinging door.

"Take care," I said.

"Oh, you, too," she said.

And, I exited without another word - without taking her name - and closed the door behind me.

To the BUSTER Who Stole My Visa Check Card Number (Pt II)

MONDAY, 11 APRIL 2005, 8:01 a.m.

"South Trust Customer Service, how may I help you?"

"I'm calling to inquire about the origins of, what I believe to be, an unauthorized Visa Check charge on my checking account."

"Yes, sir," he said, "I'll be glad to help you... With whom am I speaking?"

"_a__i_ _ea__"

"And the last four digits of your social?"

"_x_x"

"Now what charges do you believe to be in question?"

"Well, yesterday morning, I checked my balance over the phone, and it said that my available balance was over negative $330 dollars. Can you tell me what charge put my account in the negative?"

"Let's see... Well, these are charges that are pending, but which have not yet posted to the account. The first charge was $273.XX at Walmart-"

"Walmart? I didn't go to Walmart this weekend."

"Well, sometimes it takes a couple of days for items to post."

"I haven't been to Walmart in the past couple of weeks. Are there other charges?"

"Well, here's a charge for 74 dollars and XX cents at Walgreens... another for 65.21 cents at Walgreens..."

"Do you show where these charges originated?"

"Well, this Walgreen's charge is showing in St. Louis, Missouri..."

"St. Louis? I've never even been to St. Louis-"

"Well, just because charges originate from a place doesn't mean that that's where they were made. Sometimes, we show the location of the corporate office..."

"Okay, what about the other charges?"

"Well, the other two Walgreen's charges are also in St. Louis... The Walmart charge is in St. Louis..."

The Show Me State? How bout Show Me Some ID?!

"Okay, someone has compromised my Visa Check Card. I don't know how this happened. I've had my card in my possession this entire weekend, and I didn't make any on-line purchases. What is the procedure to file a fraud claim?"

"I thought you said that you made the Walmart purchase."

What the f*ck!

"No!"

"Well, have you ordered a new card recently that you never received?"

"No. I have only one card and it has never left my hands."

"I see. Well, since these disputed items are only pending and haven't yet posted to your account, you have to wait until they actually post to dispute them - which will be tomorrow morning. At that point, you should call the Fraud Department at 1-800-xxx-xxxx."

"So you're telling me that there's nothing I can do until Tuesday."

"Well, we can shut off your card and mail you a new one."

"Yes, let's shut off the card."

"... ... ... ... Okay, the card is now deactivated. And where would you like the new card sent?"

Up your a$$, you corporate cog

"Let's wait until we get this settled before I order a new card."

"Will there be anything else, Mr. _ea__?

"No, you've been very helpful."

"Have a good day."

"I'll try."

To the BUSTER Who Stole My Visa Check Card Number (Pt. I)

THE SWALLOWS SINGING, THE BRADFORD PEARS BLOOMING, THE SUN shining - what could be better than a 70-degree Sunday morning in April in Georgia?

As I routinely do in planning my budget for the week, I checked my checking account balance via phone. Much to my surprise, the automated female attendant said:

AVAILABLE BALANCE: negative $334._2

The bottom dropped out of my stomach. I know I didn't just hear what I thought I heard.

I quickly hung up and called back. Again:

negative $334._2

Negative! What the f*ck? My auto insurance was due in a week, as it is every 6 months. Was it possible that, back in October, I had unwittingly set up an automated draft that sent my account tumbling into cash collapse?

I'm essentially no-go when it comes to automated drafts - especially when it comes to something as substantial as auto insurance, for fear that something just like this might happen. Perhaps someone had written me a bounced check. Or could it be the long arm of the IRS? What else could I be overlooking?

As the automated phone system couldn't yet give me details on the vendor associated with the offending charge, I tried to check on-line. But neither was the line item for the charge yet posted there.

These were facts: 1) The offending charge had happened over the weekend, 2) My Visa Check card had never left my possession, and 3) The only two purchases I'd made that weekend were a #6 (Baja w/ chicken) at Taco Bell and a Big Zax Snack at Zaxby's.

Naturally, no live person was available in my bank's customer service on Sunday to help me further investigate. So, I had to wait until Monday morning to get to the bottom of things. And you can best believe that I did...

Crying Black: An Open Letter to Michael

DEAR MR. JACKSON,

IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO OUR ATTENTION - that you, Michael Joseph Jackson, hereafter referred to as YOU/YOUR, have issued a petition to have YOUR Black Card reinstated for the explicit and sole purpose of establishing grounds of a conspiracy against YOU on the basis of YOUR membership in our organization, Black People of America, Inc. - specifically aligning your recent plight with that of such Black luminaries as Muhammed Ali and Nelson Mandela. In essence, you are, what we here like to commonly refer to as, "crying Black."

But according to our records, YOU breached organizational protocol in the 1990's when YOU de-kinked your hair, whittled off YOUR chin, pulverized YOUR nose, and bleached YOUR skin beyond human recognition in every effort to destroy the slightest physical trace of the Motherland on YOUR person, and then - and then {INSERT NECKROLL HERE} exited our organization without so much a farewell letter - without so much as even a goodbye.

We wept.

But We, Black People of America, Incorporated, are - if nothing else - forgiving. We have excellent news! We have a special place for people just like you.

According to our most recent by-laws, for those exiting our organization without completing an exit interview - YOU may receive a temporary "cry Black" pass which may be used once, and only once, but which will expire on Juneteenth. But first, you must complete the following BACK-TO-BLACKNESS interview honestly and to the best of your ability:


1. Have you looked in a mirror lately?

____________________________

2. What the Hell were you thinking?

_____________________________

3. Again, what the Hell were you thinking?

___________________________

4. Seriously, what was it like being White?

______________________________

5. More importantly, what does it feel like being White and then having your Whiteness taken away? (Feel free to use all of the whitespace you need. Use extra sheets if necessary.)

___________________________________________

6) In hindsight, was being Black the first time really that terrible?

___________________________________________

And as a bonus question, to receive a 2-month supply of WIC vouchers:

7) In 50 words or less, why did you it ?
(Feel free to substitute 'it' with whatever is most uncomfortable for you to talk about.)

_____________________________________________

Once you have completed this interview, we require that you hand-deliver it to the address below:

Black People of America, Inc.
ATTN: Keisha Hightower, Deputy Mother of All Black People
123 East Compton Blvd
Compton, California 9022_

(Go around to the back because the frontdoor is broke.)

Normally, we would process your request in 2 to 4 weeks as the waiting list to 'cry Black' is very long, but because you are a celebrity we will express-process your order in 2 to 4 days. If this is not soon enough for your current needs, you may want to try these people to see if they may carry an extra 'Cry Black' pass.

All the best,



Black People of America